Child's Play (2019) - Can't Keep Running Away

Released: 2019 Director: Lars Klevberg

Running time: 90 minutes

When you google Child's Play 2019 the fourth most frequently googled question reads: "Is the new Child's Play good?" I'm here today to tell you the answer is unequivocally no. Hard no. The Child's Play reboot opens with a commercial starring the CEO of the company that produces the doll wherein he explains just how this high tech homie can and will improve your family's life. We glean from this that the Buddi doll is basically a walking iPad or maybe more like a Google Home with leggies. I love a cold open and this one was admittedly done well. The movie then transitions into the manufacturing warehouse where we see techs piecing together Buddi dolls prior to packaging. This is where the origin of the possessed toy shifts altogether. In the 1988 classic, the Good Guy doll serves as a vessel for the spirit of Charles Lee Ray who is gunned down in police pursuit. This plot point does not carry into the remake as it is here that we learn that a disgruntled employee is responsible for the havoc about to ensue. Following a swift dismissal from his position, the employee switches all safety features off before placing his completed doll into the box for shipping. You may recall this exact bit from the Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror III episode where someone switches the Krusty doll's settings to "EVIL". How meta. I'd like to start by saying something positive about Child's Play as a whole: I believe that this franchise, reboot included, is perfect for 12 year olds and serves as a strong introduction to horror movies. I remember watching the original myself for the first time around then. It was really cool to watch a movie that starred someone who was closer to my own age, or at the very least was also a child; someone that I could see myself in or relate to. I also found that the original idea of Chucky was quite terrifying in itself. Andy's mom gives him the Good Guy doll with nothing but the best of intentions. She gives him this doll with the idea that this is something that he can love and befriend - something he can practice socializing with. Something that she believes will help him grow as a young person. Her gift does in a way do exactly that and completely changes the trajectory of his life. Not to mention that following the complete disruption of his life by what was supposed to be this very special and unique gift from his mom, Andy must spend the remainder of his childhood fighting for his life. He must quite literally defend himself from this bastardized physical manifestation of grief and well, the very literal spirit of a serial killer who is determined to possess him. When you talk about the original Child's Play outloud it's actually so fucken' heavy while almost managing to be campy in a way that makes the subject matter of Child's Play palatable to younger audiences. And I think that's really important.

In this reboot, Andy's mom also works hard to provide for Andy in the best way that she can. She too gives Andy the Buddi doll on his birthday as something to keep him company and to make his life easier although she doesn't realize that perhaps he's too old for this type of camaraderie. Her gift is a little out of touch. Not to mention it's a little broken and doesn't run just quite exactly right... (see: EVIL switch). But Andy does his best to appease his mom by befriending the Buddi doll and incorporating him into his everyday. Although I will loudly assert that ditching the possession plot was a gross misstep and missed mark, Child's Play did a great job of mirroring the delicate balance of single parent-child relationships. That was something you better believe STUCK the fuck out to me as a young person of 12 and I'm glad that at 30, this is still something that I found myself thinking of during this retelling. I'd also like to suggest that the reboot much like the original did not lean on the classic tropes of gratuitous nudity and inexplicable sex scenes in stupid places. While I love a good nudie scene as much as the next person, not relying on this does further perpetuate the accessibility of this movie for younger viewers. That's kind of nice for the new horror babies, no? I think what's most interesting about this movie is that it looks like the director Lars hasn't seen a single movie past 2005. Lars looks like the kind of guy who strong-armed screenwriter Tyler Burton Smith into completing his creative writing assignment for him on a school night before strutting into Tyler's sister's room to kiss her on the mouth. I don't think that I knew jocks made movies and honestly it makes sense when you watch this movie why they don't. There is nothing unique or interesting about the Child's Play remake nor does the change to the doll's origin strengthen its story. It cannot go without mention that pretty much every actor in the movie was incredibly painful to watch as well. I find myself so incredibly fucken' bored of Cool Girl Aubrey Plaza's complete inability to play a character that isn't just a slight variant of herself. I wonder when we'll stop applauding these apathetic babes for doing the bare minimum of showing up to work that day. It's hard not to compare Plaza to the angelic Catherine Hicks who played Andy's mom in the 1988 original - I will admit that - but truly, Plaza is bland, washed out and snore-inducing. I can't understand why people keep hiring this girl. She is tense and straight phones in every line she manages to spit out between scoffs. In summation: this movie is so fucken' boring it is downright irritating and you needn't waste your time. Despite it's running time of a whopping 90 minutes it got so boring that I forgot what I was watching, paused it three times and managed to sort and wash two loads of laundry throughout its duration. I wasted my own time for you already. Isn' that the whole point of this whole thing? I'm not entirely sure what the end goal of this making this movie was. I mean, I guess I do know: money. But still. If you at all think that the relationship between man and technology is interesting or an incredibly revolutionary concept, you might love this new take on Child's Play. Or maybe if you find yourself suddenly 12 years old again you should watch this at a sleepover with your besties this Saturday. For sure. But let me loudly remind you of the intro of this post before you press play. "Is the new Child's Play good?"